Losing Yourself … And Finding Your Feet

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June 20, 2017 by Autonomyweb

At first I stopped playing chess… Who has time when work is so demanding? If the burden of a workload was not what held my mind hostage, I was haunted by my studies.

I was scared to read, I would lose myself… and time in it.

I stopped trying to learn other languages, I stopped writing, I stopped going out, I stopped hobby hopping (I had this thing where I had a new hobby every two weeks, from beadwork to the guitar).

I had a breakdown… it involved not opening curtains for 3 days.


That girl who loved her work, was full of life, was never going to let anything or anyone get her down, the one who had a plan and knew she just had to hold on, keep going, it is required, success demands it…! Yes that girl!


I realized I was heading down a disastrous path, reprimanded myself and just when I thought I was getting my life in order my results came out and I had failed my studies. In my course you fail even one module you repeat them all to get the CTA qualification.

The worst part about my failing is that I had signed an agreement that stated that should I fail again, my contract would be terminated… And it was.


At that initial stage, I am not going to lie and say I was beyond myself with devastation, yes I was shocked because I did not think that they will actually go ahead with it and the way it had been done hurt! I was sad because I had to say goodbye to familiarity and a bit scared to start something new, but I had this excitement for a new beginning, for what the future held.

I loved my job, l loved auditing stressful as it was I did, but I was not happy at work and it was just something I had to get through because a job is a job! I dreaded waking up in the morning but I remained committed, just a year and a bit left, i kept telling myself. I knew what I had to do in order to do what I wanted… I was almost there.


I was home for months and that was the most depressing time of my life, sending applications almost every day, no response for weeks then one regret now and again… That initial excitement for a new beginning diminished.

My state was a strain financially and broke a piece of me each day, being at home, no contribution, useless!

Everyone at home was downhearted, the gloom could not be contained. A lot of things happened during that period that just kept pushing me down… I lost a lot, myself included.


Things have turned around, I am employed and my life is starting have rhythm again, I have found my feet.

That new beginning has arrived. When I started with this page I titled it Dawn Will Break, I meant it in an overall sense of my life as well as in a more compartmental, stepping blocks sense.

Today… in that stepping block sense… the smaller scheme of things… I see the crack and it is beautiful! The excitement in me overflows, I cannot wait to bask in the beauty, in its entirety, when dawn finally breaks!


It haunts me though… everyday… I have vowed to never be in that position again and in my motivated state I have started taking steps to ensure that I am never in that unfortunate position again. I will tell you all about it someday.

I conclude with these points:

  • Do not depend on your salary alone to sustain you, additional income helps with savings and will sustain you should you also find yourself in that unfortunate position of being unemployed.


  • We tend to be lazy when we are comfortable in our jobs, since beginning of 2015 my friends and I have always spoken about starting something, having something else going for us instead of just the job but we never came up with an idea and pointed out how we neither had the time nor the capital for anything anyways.

I am actually taking steps to do something now, there is time… When you are motivated enough.


  • We need to start investing in ourselves today, not when we start making the big bucks at work and have access to funding (You can start with what you have or save up a bit, start small) or when we have a bit more time (That day may never come, make the time).

I have learnt the value of money as well as how my precious time is.


  • Look at your surroundings, there is a market for almost everything, at home, in your community, at your workplace, think of what you can do and implement.

Have an idea, consider at what you have and what you need, start small and take it one step at a time.


  • When you set your goal ensure that it is within your grasp, ensure you have a market and set clear steps for yourself otherwise your big idea will materialize to nothing.


  • Nothing lasts forever, keep walking!



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